Bug Rescue

I was slapping mosquitoes off my ankles and cursing aloud. Finally giving up capturing a picture of that elusive bald eagle that fly’s above in the brilliant Tennessee sky. Low and behold walking past the bird bath I spotted a yellow looking flying bug. Well, I’m always curious. So I took a close look and observed his legs were still kicking. So I picked up a green leaf and offered him a chance.

Yes indeed he grabbed the life leaf and climbed on board. Then he crawled off onto the rim of the bird bath. Indeed he/she (LGBT also) was a lucky bug. He proceeded to sun his self and I proceeded to retreat from the mosquitoes.

What becomes of his fate you may wonder? I assume a long bug life ahead. Maybe drink some Coca Cola from a discarded can or land on a succulent flower. Possible a splat on a windshield. Who knows? Only the bug God.

Bear encounter butt naked.

So I hike into the smoky mountains for about 5 miles and realize the campsite is closed due to “aggressive bear activity”. I continue to the next site. A ¼ mile away. No warning sign here. So I set up camp and get naked in the creek to wash off. Without soap of course.

Chilling around camp for awhile. I’m the only fool here. There are plenty of steel cables to hoist your food for storage to keep the bears out. Well it starts pouring the rain and I hang my food for the night.

Tucked away nicely in my tent I read and dose off to awake around midnight to take a pee. Well it’s pitch dark and I’m scared of Bigfoot, so I piss in a plastic container in my tent. Did I mention it is raining the mother of all rains. Down pour all night. Like sleeping in a water bed. Floor has a small leak.

What I think is a small branch falling on my tent, which causes a slight shudder I ignore and go back to sleep.

Around 5 in the morning I get up and cook oatmeal and then hang my food back up on the steel cable. It is still raining. Jump back in the tent and get naked in my sleeping bag.

Thirty minutes later my tent shakes like someone grabbing the poles and shaking rapidly back and forth. For a split second I think a ranger is screwing with me. Then bear enters my mind. My eyes dilate and pulse quickens.

I start yelling, “go away you fucking bear”. I grab one of my hiking poles under the vestibule (Bigfoot attack pole) and unzip the front door and peer outside. Still raining. I’m naked. No bear in front of tent. I strain my neck over the top of tent in the other direction and there the bear is slowly meandering away. I jump out and continue yelling. I’m butt naked and gone into warrior mode. The bear disappears and I’m in the get dress mode.

Now I would like to say I went back to sleep and forgot about it.

But no. I got dressed and packed my shit hastily and humped it out to my truck.

The problem is people are feeding these bears in the smoky mountains. It’s a freaking tourist trap. I don’t want to worry about bears through the night or day. So I’m taking my ass elsewhere. Such as no people. No campers packing in steak and eggs on horseback.

So that is it.

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Combat ready gender toilet.

The fighting in the trench was intense and the sexy marine next to me was doing well. I’ll admit I had the hots for her, especially when she was just wearing her dirty green t-shirt braless. Now normally when us guy marines had to piss we just whipped it out and did business. But now since women had equal combat rights we had to deploy the gender combat toilet.

Basically the gender combat toilet consisted of 4 titanium poles with a green fabric attached. First you dug your hole and then deployed the gender combat toilet. You sat down in the center of the 4 fabric walls and did your business.

One day the fighting was intense and she had to piss. I told her to keep her head down. She was struggling to deploy the gender combat toilet and I was putting lead down on some rag heads. The trench was only about 6 feet deep which made the whole gender toilet insane to setup under fire. I yelled and said, “baby just freaking piss”.

“Don’t look”, she yelled back. She had her back to me and dropped her camouflage pants. Her panties where ripped and soaked from perspiration. She slid them down past her ankles and squatted. I fired some more rounds down range, not once turning away from her. The steam started to rise over her ass and obscured her slit.

Beauty in a combat situation? Well that day under intense fighting I realized beauty can be found under any circumstance, if we just open our eyes and look around.

She lost her balance and fell forward, giving me the complete show. I quickly glanced down range to make sure no enemy were advancing. Finally she had her pants back on and made her way back toward me. She collapsed against my left shoulder. “Did you look”, she asked? “Well a little bit”, I stated. She placed her dry lips on mine and slid her tongue in my mouth.

Suddenly I heard the gunny yelling at us and told us to get “freaking serious” or were all going to get killed.

That night under the darkened dirty sky we got naked and humped in silence. The combat gender toilet lay under our naked bodies.

Fear the bull with crooked balls.

See legend has it that whoever owns this particular bull family/breed, will die by the bull. Notice that in this bulls family one ball is bigger than the other. Which can unbalance the mind in man and the bull. In other words the bull is ornery. Never turn your back to the bull. Never!

One day David came home to the family farm from a day of selling insurance. It was a shitty day, because a deal fell through over a potential client not wanting to spend 4 dollars more on uninsured motorist property damage. The minimum any fool must have is 25,000 dollars of uninsured motorist property damage. For fucking 4 dollars the bastard would not buy the policy. So David said, “fuck it, I’m not selling you insurance” because, he had certain standards of covering his clients ass.

So the redneck left his office yelling, “Geico kicked your ass, dumb ass.”

Months pass by and into David’s office one morning some redneck chick with a tight pink shirt and big tits walks in crying. “Sir, you where so right on my husband needing to carry Uninsured Motorist Property damage.” David abruptly sat up in his chair and asked, “what happened.” “His uncle Charlie had sideswiped her husband on some back road and her husband crashed the truck into a tree, totaling their only truck,” she cried. Of course uncle Charlie never had insurance. Inside David laughed to himself, while giving her a big comforting hug and getting a free titty squeeze.

Redemption and a great day at the office. David drove home that day munching on a chocolate pop tart. “Don’t fuck with me,” he yelled out the window. It was good to be alive.

Pulling into his long driveway he parked by the big fenced in bull corral. He climbed over the big sturdy beam fence and yelled at the bull. “You worthless dumb bull,” he yelled. He picked up a small rock and threw it at the bull. “Who in the hell buys a bull with crooked balls. I’m selling your dumb ass,” he yelled. In his over excitement David stepped in bullshit. He laughed out loud and yelled,” I guess you got me.”

With one hand on the fence David worked the stick in between his shoe treads to release the bullshit.

“Never turn your back to the bull,” David thought.

All 1200 pounds of pure bull reached top speed. The bulls hind leg muscles pounded into the hard pastures sun baked dirt. His left big ball bounced against his right small ball causing extreme discomfort. Maddening discomfort and humiliation. Catching David as he just placed his right foot on the horizontal fence post. About in the small of the back. The left horn of the bull entered David’s right side and the bulls left shoulder plowed David through the heavy fence. Skewered like a shish kabob. The bull paraded past the kitchen window with Davids limp body. His chest compressed with no strength to gasp for a breath of air.

Davids wife Marjo grabbed the shotgun and jumped on the four wheeler and sped full speed after the bull. Their rescue mutt chasing behind. She rested the shotgun on the handle bars and aimed at the bulls balls. Boom. Snot blew out the bulls nostril and his balls were no more. The bull skid and did a crazy 180 turn trying to attack Marjo on the four wheeler. The rescue mutt attacked the bulls legs in the dusty arena and accidentally got trampled by the bull and the four wheeler.

David was semi-conscious holding onto the horn that protruded from his stomach. David mumbled, “shoot that son of a bitch again.” The bull and Marjo faced each other in the arena. She pumped another shell into the chamber. The bull charged and she rolled off the four wheeler. As the bull passed with David dangling in agony. She fired a round into the bulls side. Then she pumped another round and another. The bulls legs were splayed in the grassy field and David’s head gently touched the soft green grass.

David would go onto live a good life, but you can bet for sure he would never buy another bull with crooked balls.

That evening in the hospital after surgery and still groggy from the anesthesia he mumbled, “never turn your back on the bull.”
And that my friends is bullshit!

Antique ceramic tile.

All is pleasant in peasantville

You can’t please everyone all the time, but if you try real hard you can piss them off.

Walking down the sidewalk eating cotton candy and picking his nose he decided to get a massage. A dirty sign read “massages” on the front of a building. 4 ugly unshaven transvestites clustered in a hug huddle in the dirty entrance leading upstairs.  The building falling into disrepair and the remaining paint was faded red. The front door sat against the left wall and had a chain hanging from where the door knob would normally be.

 

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He was suspicious, but walked up the stairs and took a right and walked down a dark hallway. The hallway was partially lit by the sun peaking through the slats in the roof. There was an office at the end of the hallway. Knocking on the open door a voice said, “enter”. Walking in he was greeted by a man in his early 60s wearing a white jacket. “You the massage therapist,” he asked. “That and other things,” the man in the white lab coat replied.

Very pretty horse and carriage scene.

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Anyways, he was lying on the table face down naked under a sheet  and waiting for the massage therapist to return. The man explained during the massage that he had learned his trade in the orient and mostly worked in the ghettos, because he just liked the cheap rent and ghetto funk. Plus the working poor had lots of back problems and he genuinely could help and make a decent living at the same time.

Orange or peach?

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Feeling like a new man he tipped the massage therapist some extra and made his way out to the entrance. One tranny remained at the entrance and was complaining about the heat. He wished her a “good day” and walked down the street toward the train station.

Lion.

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What is this called? Yeah.

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Castle.

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Finally the grand finale.

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The complete floor with a partial shot of the wooden bench.

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Then something in his heart told him to return and he hurried back to the lone tranny and got down on his knees and proposed. She accepted and they opened up a donut shop. Eventually she went under the knife and had the wiggly worm cut off and he divorced her. The donut shop sat idle and customers reminisced of the good days of glazed donuts fresh from the oven.

Tooth fairy stole my wallet in the night.

His breath stunk of cheap beer as he opened the Toyota repair manual to preach to the dumb masses before him. Money and lots of it was the hidden goal of todays sermon. No better way than to sucker the masses with a homeless puppy and Clydesdale horse fantasy story. Hell with this story he probably could sell shit beer in a can on super-bowl Sunday.
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The church assistant carried a dirty box toward the podium and the preacher pulled out a dirty puppy that had a bad case of the fleas. Another assistant led a broken down Clydesdale horse down the center of the church toward the podium. The horse was bought at the local glue factory for 10 bucks.

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There is no happy ending.

She opened her eyes and was startled to see a black stallion outside her window starring at her. Vapor steam condensed the window when the stallion exhaled. She struggled to slide the window open just a tiny bit. She reached out an touched the long black mane of the stallion. The hair was sticky and clung to her fingers.

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Her bed was next to the bedroom window. On her knees in bed she pulled with all her might and the window opened enough for her to squeeze out. Pulling on the mane of the black stallion she struggled, finally her knees scraped the window sill and the stallion gently pulled her away. Helping ease the escape.

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Have you forgotten.

The flowers were shades of different colors gently swaying with the summer breeze. Birds chirped. Busy bees zigzagged in circles collecting the abundant pollen. Lots of spooky spiders spun their web in the Van Gogh sun. Giant sun flowers stretched toward the dizzy sky. She was alone, but felt love all around.

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She walked toward the stone spring house down the mountain. Cold icy water. Clear and transparent. Green and blue salamanders scooted about as she dipped the ladle into a dream. The spring house was chilly and damp. Heaven on a hot summer day.

She stared at her reflection in the water. Was she really beautiful? Standing on her toes she stretched to hang the ladle back on the big rusty nail protruding from the damp stone wall. Closing the spring house wooden door she walked toward the old wooden barn. The wooden barn door was slightly ajar and she slid her body easily in. She climbed to the top of the giant haystack and fell asleep. The old farmer yelled to be careful and went about his chores during her deep sleep.

When she awoke all was dark. Carefully she climbed down the hay stack and found the door and squeezed herself out into the cool night. The night sky was filled with stars. Slowly she headed up the mountain to return home.

She felt the spider webs cling against her bare arms and she flinched with the thought of spooky spiders. Slowly she made her way through the field of sleeping flowers. The path through the forest was dark and scary. Black and white cows stood under the forest trees for the night.

Upon opening the front door of her home she was greeted by her worried mother with a big hug. Her father was asleep on the couch. She stood by the warm fire listening to her father snore. She smiled. Her mother called her into the kitchen and a big bowl of hot vegetable soup sat on the table. Butter and homemade bread sat in a wicker basket covered with a red checkered linen.

At night in bed she enjoyed starring out the window at the stars, as her eyelids slowly closed with a smile.

Another day another rooster crow.

One day he woke up dizzy and sick. Sitting on the edge of the bed he lit a cigarette and sat there thinking. The room felt stuffy, even though the window was open. His ear ached from swimming everyday. Was it time to die or make another French press of coffee. Thank god he didn’t have to work in the donut shop anymore. He was free, thankfully to welfare. The only thing he was required to do was vote every four years for the latest zombie president. Slowly he walked toward the thirty third story window and stood up on the edge of the window sill. And jumped.

Midway down he had second thoughts and deployed his suicide prevention kit. It was a round container about the size of a pack of cigarettes. The cellophane wrapper was heat wrapped tight to the container. Time was ticking. He passed the big church clock and saw the time was around 7:30 in the morning.

Someone patted him on the back and he woke up at the telemarketing firm that he worked part-time. The boss wanted to see him. Walking past the bosses office door he walked outside into the hot midday sun. Got on the bus and got off on third and main. Bought a chocolate bar and a coca cola. Sat on the bench.

A once beautiful lady sat across from him in a daze. He smiled at her. She gave him the middle finger.

He decided at that moment to go and buy a dog. Giving up on the prospect of love. For eternity. Also he bought a dog bowl, chicken flavored dog food, superman jacket, box of bacon treats, whistle, leash and dog training manual. He named the dog asshole.

Jumped in a taxi and went to central park. He let asshole go and sat down under a tree and smoked a cigarette. Asshole disappeared. He had another cigarette and yelled out for asshole. After a lame search he decided to go home. Leaving all the dog supplies under the tree. Quickly he dropped in a local convenient store and bought a lottery ticket and also a frozen burrito. The one with big yellow and black fonts.

Meanwhile asshole was sniffing a poodles ass in the park. Then asshole mounted the poodle and had sex for the first time. Finally the poodle broke free and ran to mommy. Mommy was a slender petite red head with real big tits. About 28 years old and very rich. She lived in a 12 million dollar penthouse that daddy bought for her. She was miserable and hated her life. Never worked a day of her life. But she was very aware how fortunate she was (with the money and easy life). She carried the poodle across the street and the doorman opened the door of her swanky apartment building. She rode the elevator up to the top floor and opened the door. Went to the refrigerator and got out a bottle of milk. Grabbed a bag of Oreo cookies and went out on the terrace. She stared at the poodle in disgust. “What a shit dog you are,” she said aloud.

The next day he woke up and discovered he had won the lottery of 350 million dollars. He felt good, but suddenly paranoid. After 2 weeks he picked up the check (after taxes) and walked out the door of lottery headquarters. Went to his bank and deposited the money. The cute teller smiled at him. The bank president gave him a fake golden pen and called him sir.

Asshole roamed the park hungry and scared.

The poodle was pregnant.

Walking into the Ford dealership he went and sat in a brand new corvette. The security guard came over to him and said he was allowed to look, but not sit in the cars. He walked out of the Ford dealership and jumped on the bus. He was bored with life. The thrill was gone. Jumped off the bus and bought a ticket to Syria. The first day he was in Syria an Islamic extremist slit his throat while he was trying to find a hotel.

The poodle gave birth to a litter of mutts. Asshole was sitting in a animal rescue clinic. The once beautiful lady shaved her head and got a tattoo. Mommy the red head with big tits joined a gym. Finally Asshole was adopted by a Chinese restaurant owner.

A tourist left the Chinese restaurant in New York city and was happy. She posted the picture of the meal on facebook and received 2 likes.

Shake it don’t break it.

After awhile he just sort of ignored the bullshit of life and checked out the ass. No matter where one ended up in life. Whether it was the rich, middle or ghetto. Ass was always there to gaze upon. Seems people like modeling their ass if they have a good one. Tight leotards or Lycra clothing works well, but not with everyone.

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Now according to the latest paparazzi magazine he had failed life. No mansion, private jet, limousine, chef, fast cars awaited him. Just a pair of sneakers and some change to catch the bus. He surmised that possibly a lot of people pretended that they lived a Hollywood life by their dress and look down attitude. Dyed hair, fake tits, fake ass and fake life. But are we not all just pig snot in the end?

When your not blessed with greatness, might as well fake it he thought.

Why didn’t you tell me you were not going to come. I made the hotel reservation for you. Now I look like a fool. Quack Quack. Even super-models started turning into ducks after awhile. Then you start looking at the fat ones with big tits and huge ass. Forewarned you need a big cock with them. Slowly he walked through the park fantasying about fine ass.

Ever get tired of eating greasy antibiotic chicken? Try this.

Potatoes
Carrots
Whole garlic
Corn on cob

Boil together till potatoes are done.

Sauté some spinach with vinegar.

Dump it all on a big plate and overdose it on sea salt.
Eat with a bottle of Tabasco sauce at the ready.

Plan on getting caught if you have an affair. Rule number one is you will get caught. He pondered at the podium.

A man with one leg and a crutch climbed up the stairs of the bus and began a 10 minute speech about why he could not work and was forced into begging. The preacher eating a banana asked him why he did not sell apple pie. The one legged man ignored him. After the speech he collected the money from the sad people. The preacher followed him off the bus and invited him to his church. They both understood marketing.

Seems a deal needs to be made with Peru on suppling the best cocaine in the world to the USA. At a cheap price. Then the druggies don’t end up on crystal meth. Why do the rich get the good drugs? His observation was that people consumed coke in Peru on a recreational basis with better long term prognosis than alcohol.

His nose started to bleed during the sermon. His girlfriend in the front pew was jittery. He grabbed a cross from the extensive collection behind him and smeared his blood on it. His girlfriend got up and hurriedly made her way to the side exit. She sat in the Ferrari and waited nervously.